Reflections on 51 Years of Marriage

June 7th, 2021 marks 51 years of marriage to my truly extraordinary wife Ruth, following 2.5 years of dating. I’m in awe of both the uber-dynamic adventures we’ve shared and how fast the years have flown by! Amidst my cornucopia of memories, I’ll endeavor to hone in on and relate several highlights of our marriage and key lessons that we’ve learned over the decades.

Highlights of Our Marriage

• Foremost, raising three loving, well-balanced adult children and currently having three lively and delightful granddaughters

• Sharing our priority on psycho-spiritual growth, receiving and facilitating countless trainings, and participating in numerous communities, including intensive spiritual ones

• Working together as therapists, coaches, speakers, retreat facilitators, and authors for the past 45 years of our marriage! We co-directed a holistic wellness center, we’ve continually developed and practiced avant-garde methods for decades, and we wrote two of our books together.

• After living in several cities, settling into a home we’ve both loved for the past 35+ years

• Vacationing and traveling really well together to many U.S. states and in various destinations in Canada, Mexico, Europe, Greece, and Israel

Primary Lessons We’ve Gained

• The dramas we played out in our early years together, wild as they often were, didn’t match the power of acquiring solid communication and conflict-resolution skills.

• Choosing to grittily work through turbulent and painful periods, including a few times that we came close to separating, has paid ineffable dividends – we have been greatly enriched through our endurance!

• The value of balancing personal, couple, and family time amidst the challenges of doing so

• Learning to not only tolerate or accept differences in personality and interests, but to actually appreciate many of them

• Discerning when to express versus edit upsets, irritations, and feedback to the other is essential for reconciling harmony with assertion and growth.

Rather than wanting to boast, my intention in sharing these bullet points has been to inspire you. I offer you some tasty morsels for personal introspection and to share with your partner. I hope I have accomplished that in this very brief summary of over a half century with my beloved.

Toward deepening and evolving love,

Your relationship coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored and edited many professional publications, including, most recently, HeartWise: Deepening and Evolving Love Relationships, published in 2021, as well as Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, published in 2014 (both with Ruth Sharon, MS). Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

Hope for Marginalized Male Partners

During my counseling and coaching  practice in recent years, I have worked with an increasing number of men who regularly feel victimized, disenfranchised, or emasculated by their women partners. What I’ve witnessed in serving these men, and often also their wives or girlfriends, is two colliding forces. One of those is men’s confusion about appropriate roles and behavior in this era of relative gender equality. The other is women feeling stronger than they did in the last century, and often emboldened to sharply and angrily express their feelings, needs, desires, and requests. 

Domestic violence, especially by men, is what usually makes the news. Unfortunately, such actions do remain fairly prevalent, particularly during the pandemic. 

However, I’ve listened to countless men report incurring emotional or verbal abuse by their mates. That abuse takes the form of frequent and harsh criticism and blame, worse yet shaming, and/or gaslighting, i.e. emotional manipulation. Most of the latter involves repeated efforts to condemn or guilt the man. 

Bashing via labeling and disparaging overgeneralizations has also often reared its ugly head in guys’ reports of mistreatment. For example, several guys have told me that their wives have angrily remarked, “You’re not a man!” or, “You don’t do a thing to help around the house and with the kids” (even though these men claim to offer a lot of assistance).

Let me be clear. I champion egalitarian relationships and women having power and leadership roles, both inside and outside of their homes. My wife of over 50 years has emerged as an ultra conscious, powerful woman. We have two married daughters who are strong in their own right and who are raising their daughters to be authentically expressive. I consistently advocate for and teach effective communication and constructive conflict resolution skills.

However, I’m witnessing and hearing about many women who routinely deflect self-responsibility for their attitudes and behavior, who reflexively act defensively, and rarely apologize.

In lieu of clean, direct assertive “I” statements, these ladies typically resort to the kinds of demeaning “you” statements to which I previously alluded. Even more painful to many fathers are the ways in which their children model their mothers’ disparaging remarks and marginalize them. 

In short, I’m shocked by the amount of times I learn of the traditional tables turning from male to aggressive female dominance or persistent one-up behavior that leaves men reeling.

I strive to empower marginalized men, while encouraging their partners to gradually resolve the emotional wounds or attachment deficits that catalyze their fear of intimate connection. Contact me to learn more.

Toward evolving love,

Your relationship coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

Sharing Feedback

Graciously giving and receiving feedback in your love relationship is a communication art requiring continual refinement. Both the person offering feedback and the recipient need to take  responsibility for a clean transaction, which can have an ego-effacing effect. Even as seasoned therapists and coaches, married over 50 years, Ruth and I regularly seek to improve our own communication with one another. 

I have noticed with many clients that attempts to share feedback devolve into attack, criticism, blaming, or shaming. Appropriately feeling hurt, the recipient typically reacts defensively, leading to an argument that can escalate into a fight. These negative or verbally abusive encounters erode the relationship, especially when commonplace. 

Guidelines for Expressing Feedback 

• Determine if the content of what you’re considering sharing is likely to benefit your partner. In other words, is your genuine intention to be constructive with what you’re about to say?

• Decide whether to edit your comments, i.e. if it’s more appropriate to say nothing or deliberate about what specifically to relate.

• Consider whether your partner is open to hearing your comments. Unsolicited feedback tends to be unwelcome or off-putting. 

• Discern the proper time to offer your input.

• Own your experience by making direct I statements. Starting with “I,” add words such as perceive..., sense..., feel..., need..., invite..., request. 

• Your delivery matters a lot, i.e. how you state your feedback. Regulate your tone of voice and refrain from hints, excessive confrontation, sarcasm, exaggeration, and condescending or demeaning remarks. Also avoid harping—belaboring your point(s).

Guidelines for Receiving Feedback

• Politely or assertively (not aggressively) tell your partner if you’re open to receiving their input.

• Make an effort to accept or reflect on feedback you regard as well intended, even if it upsets you.

• If you feel attacked or disagree with the remarks, say so clearly and firmly without a nasty comeback.

• Communicate the kind of feedback and presentation you find constructive. Help them distinguish useful comments and acceptable forms of delivery from hurtful or deflating ones. 

• Model positive feedback for your partner--set a favorable example.

Like all communication, you’ll develop skill with sincere intention and consistent practice.

Toward evolving love,

Your relationship coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

Aaah, Retreats!

In late February of this year, my wife Ruth and I engaged in a five-day guided, silent retreat, the latest of many similar ones in which we’ve participated. I’ll soon describe that experience. 

Firstly, wordsmith that I am, I want to discuss two contrasting meanings of the word retreat. 

The traditional definition is to withdraw, as when forced to pull back from a military position. 

Another, which is apropos to the kinds of retreats Ruth and I get involved with, is to re-treat, i.e. to once again treat or nourish oneself. Besides having a salient rejuvenating or revitalizing effect, our retreats are designed to promote new insights, perspectives, goal-setting, and deeper connection with the Divine. Thus, these retreats propel us forward, rather than backward, as in the more common definition of the word. 

This last February, Ruth and I were part of a ten-person group that attended a Sufi retreat at a bird haven in Sarasota, Florida that was led by Devi, our spiritual guide of 14 years. Devi, the head of the healing branch of our North American Sufi order, has been facilitating retreats in many parts of the world for about two decades. Each retreatant is assigned their own room in one of several houses on a large property that includes a gorgeous lake, creek, and numerous trees and flowering bushes. Various birds proliferate and turtles are abundant in the lake.

The group met daily at 8:00 am and at 5:00 pm for about a half hour of guided meditation, including an inspirational talk by Devi. Each of us met individually with Devi for 10 to 20 minutes every morning to check in and to receive recommended practices for the day. Most of the retreat was unstructured and left to each of the participants to determine how we wanted to spend the day and night. Eating when we wanted, each of us prepared our own breakfasts and lunches from a lot of healthy (mostly organic) food that was provided; delicious dinners were cooked for us. We upheld silence during meals.

Most of us, myself included, spent a lot of time sitting or walking in nature. We absorbed both macrocosmic and microcosmic sights and sounds, such as on the horizon, and very subtle details, e.g. on flowers or rocks. I enjoyed swimming in a small outdoor pool, despite the chilly water. I was especially mesmerized by the large, graceful birds flying above and sitting in the trees, along with the ultra-peaceful turtles. Up to ten turtles at a time emerged from swimming in the lake to sitting so very still bunched together on a six-foot in diameter circular wire built for them in the center of the lake. A huge array of bright green, leafy trees lined the area all around the lake. Occasionally, I was awed by surprises such as a flock of white egrets crossing a street, seeing a brightly-colored bird, or staring at a mother turtle swimming alongside the one baby turtle I ever spotted.

Engaging in customized Sufi practices, reading a book written by the founder of our Sufi order, and journaling insights and future plans further filled my days and nights. I felt tenderly held and very connected to G-d through most of my retreat! Aaah, indeed!

Ruth and I are now beginning to offer one or two-day guided personal retreats, Doorways to Being, to assist people in suspending their busy (often overactive), stressed lives to make much deeper contact with their inner selves. Go here to learn more about how we can help you create a supportive retreat environment right in your own home. Give yourself the gift of nourishment for your body, mind, heart, and soul!

Toward the One,

Your Relationship Guide,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

The Energy of Love

February, the love month, most notably celebrated on the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s Day, is here again. Love is one of, if not the most, common topics in books, articles, movies, songs, and discussions. However, love has so many facets and dimensions that we gain much more from developing heart, gut, and mental wisdom about love through life experience than we do from describing it. 

I assert that the essence of G-d, or the Source of All, is Love and that humans, made in G-d’s image, are hardwired with the basic need to love and be loved. Of course, we all have different propensities for giving and receiving love, but we can continually grow in our capacity to love. While modalities and assessment tools such as astrology, the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, and the “five love languages” can reveal our propensities, each of us is far from limited by whatever characteristics are depicted. An axiom: the more you love yourself, the more love you can genuinely give and graciously receive.

Love is much more beautiful, rich, and meaningful as a verb than as a noun (i.e. just something you hold in your heart). I invite you to explore with your beloved (or with a close family member or friend if you’re not partnered) various ways that you express love. Mention what you perceive about your own expressions and solicit the other’s observations. Doing so can be very mutually affirming and is likely to create some insights and openings for each of you!

Here is a sample of my common, diverse expressions of love:

Toward my wife:  

• Actively supporting Ruth to fulfill her life purposes

• Gentle touches and caresses

• Offering many types of humor; being playful and silly

• Contributing a lot toward house and yard maintenance, cooking, and doing laundry

With my adult children and granddaughters:

• Affirming their qualities and talents

• Doing special activities, including travel, together

• Joining in their chosen forms of play and fantasy

• Engaging in meaningful discussions

In my counseling and coaching practice:

• Being present during interactions with my clients

• Offering compassionate support and authentic, direct feedback

• Asking evocative questions

• Providing different or new perspectives

In my community:

• Facilitating group meditations and healing services

• Preparing dinners for and interacting with vetted homeless people

• Writing newsletter blogs about couples and family relationships

• Facilitating private and group couples events and retreats

I really hope that you follow my suggestion to devote some sustained time to speak with your partner or a close loved one about your many ways of giving love. Please refrain from modeling my terse examples; just let the conversation flow and diverge, while remaining on topic. If you’d like, you could add additional categories of those with whom you relate, such as friends or extended family members.

As always, I’d welcome hearing about your unanticipated reactions or exciting revelations.

Join the conversation on our Facebook Soulful Couples Community Page.

Toward the glory of love!

Your Relationship Coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.