During my counseling and coaching practice in recent years, I have worked with an increasing number of men who regularly feel victimized, disenfranchised, or emasculated by their women partners. What I’ve witnessed in serving these men, and often also their wives or girlfriends, is two colliding forces. One of those is men’s confusion about appropriate roles and behavior in this era of relative gender equality. The other is women feeling stronger than they did in the last century, and often emboldened to sharply and angrily express their feelings, needs, desires, and requests.
Domestic violence, especially by men, is what usually makes the news. Unfortunately, such actions do remain fairly prevalent, particularly during the pandemic.
However, I’ve listened to countless men report incurring emotional or verbal abuse by their mates. That abuse takes the form of frequent and harsh criticism and blame, worse yet shaming, and/or gaslighting, i.e. emotional manipulation. Most of the latter involves repeated efforts to condemn or guilt the man.
Bashing via labeling and disparaging overgeneralizations has also often reared its ugly head in guys’ reports of mistreatment. For example, several guys have told me that their wives have angrily remarked, “You’re not a man!” or, “You don’t do a thing to help around the house and with the kids” (even though these men claim to offer a lot of assistance).
Let me be clear. I champion egalitarian relationships and women having power and leadership roles, both inside and outside of their homes. My wife of over 50 years has emerged as an ultra conscious, powerful woman. We have two married daughters who are strong in their own right and who are raising their daughters to be authentically expressive. I consistently advocate for and teach effective communication and constructive conflict resolution skills.
However, I’m witnessing and hearing about many women who routinely deflect self-responsibility for their attitudes and behavior, who reflexively act defensively, and rarely apologize.
In lieu of clean, direct assertive “I” statements, these ladies typically resort to the kinds of demeaning “you” statements to which I previously alluded. Even more painful to many fathers are the ways in which their children model their mothers’ disparaging remarks and marginalize them.
In short, I’m shocked by the amount of times I learn of the traditional tables turning from male to aggressive female dominance or persistent one-up behavior that leaves men reeling.
I strive to empower marginalized men, while encouraging their partners to gradually resolve the emotional wounds or attachment deficits that catalyze their fear of intimate connection. Contact me to learn more.
Toward evolving love,
Your relationship coach,
Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us
Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.
