Basic Emotions in Relationships: Be HeartWise

As a relationship coach, I often see couples who are learning to process the emotions that arise in day to day life. The good news is, with practice, we can develop understanding and skills to be HeartWise.

Think of a crayon box or paint palette with the primary colors, along with the rainbow of hues created by combining various colors. Emotions are much like that. Each main, primary feeling can have many variations and combinations, which can make decoding quite challenging. Start with the Primary Feelings to gain access to your secret inner world.

Primary Feelings are observable through our body language, tension and health patterns, words, tone, and behaviors. Did you know you have a storehouse of old feelings and unresolved situations? All your history is stored in your body and brain. So when something similar happens, your old feelings are usually triggered. 

Getting to know yourself and your partner in the emotional realm helps you feel so connected, close, and motivated to build trust and safety. Listen to the feeling tone of yourself and your partner. Pay attention to the breathing, posture, tone, and words. Practice accessing your inner wisdom and sensing system so you can detect your and your partner’s feelings.

Primary colors of feelings can be measured on a 1 to 10 scale (10 being filled with that emotion). Let’s learn about MAD, SAD, SCARED, and GLAD.

MAD is the most obvious and most threatening of all the feelings, because it can be loud, scary, out of control, like a fire. You know that you can use fire to simmer food, warm your family on a cold day, or burn down the house... or the entire village. Anger can also be helpful, because it shows you what is bothering you. You can make efforts to correct the problem or injustice when you harness the fire of anger and use it for positive change and effective communication.

A little MAD (1-3) may pop up when you are annoyed, frustrated, dismissed. You may have more MAD (4-7) when you have a repeated situation that is unresolved and keeps appearing. You may get aggravated by others’ poor behavior, by injustices, etc. When you can’t take it anymore and you are at maximum saturation of MAD, you explode or implode (8-10). This can relieve you temporarily (until you load up again and blow). The problem is, you may have left a trail of messes behind you to clean up or put in the pile of other unresolved old or current stuff. MAD can be cumulative and observed as annoyance, irritation, sharp comments, physical energy that can help or harm, resentment, resignation, and depression.

SAD is a watery emotion, as you notice in tears and feeling “welled up” (a lump in your throat or fullness in your heart like the dam may burst). It can be heavy, as in feeling weighed down. SAD shows you what is missing, what hurts, what needs aren’t getting met, as well as grieving a real or perceived loss. You can feel sad about specific events or very general sweeps of your life. When you have an ideal of what you want and you see what is actually happening, your sadness may be triggered. The gap between ideal and real can be heartbreaking. Many of you have experienced difficult or traumatic situations and have much deep sadness stored in your nervous system. Give expression to what is going on. Speak, write, draw, dance, walk, sing, or pray so the energy of sadness can be healed and transformed into healing compassion for others.

FEAR is a shaky feeling, where you feel insecure, scared, worried, anxious, and young. Your gut may be tight, your jaw clenched or your brow furrowed. The fear may be hidden deep inside or can be experienced as unshakeable worry, guilt, or shame. Air may be associated with fear—lots of random and racing thoughts, piling on of demands, confusing and chaotic energy, and fixated stuck patterns. Panic attacks, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors can be so debilitating. 

Fear also shows you your cutting edge. When you take on something new (in your relationship, work, life circumstances), resistance often will show up. What obstacles are in your way of manifesting what you want? Engage with your fear to find out what is going on. Be curious. Ask open ended questions of yourself and your partner. 

Be the CUP to support yourself or partner. When you are scared, give extra compassion and comfort. Create as much safety as you can so your nervous system can calm down. Stress reactions of Fight-Flight-Freeze-Faint can block you from thinking clearly and planning for what is calling you to take action. Fear and excitement are related, so try to harvest the titillation of something new happening to spur you into expressing your fears, building safety under you, then taking action with support. Use your SWORD to cut through stuckness and activate motivation to walk the path toward your desired goals. Cup and sword together brings power, kindness, and clarity.

GLAD is the feeling of relief, release, resolve.You may experience childlike delight, freedom, celebration, gratitude, or accomplishment. Going on vacation, getting a raise, starting a new business, buying a new home, having a baby, having a party, giving or receiving a gift, making love, enjoying a delicious meal, having a touching moment with someone dear or a stranger can all evoke the feeling of happiness and joy. Sense your peace and calm, and begin thinking of this state as a Homebase that you can keep returning to.

Talk with yourself and your partner to be aware. You can practice this exercise when you’re feeling calm so it will be easier to remember when you’re feeling strong emotions:

• What am I feeling right now?

• How much, on a scale of 1 to 10?

• Where do the feelings reside in my body? Breathe to give the feelings space to move and dissipate.

• When I am at low (1-3) numbers, I can… breathe, wash my face, eat something, take a break, etc.

• When I am in the midrange (4-6), I need to stop and gather my energy to calm down and act in a HeartWise manner.  I can get something done, exercise, eat/hydrate, rest.

• When I am reaching maximum saturation of feeling, I may have to discharge with big muscle activity and time alone to “blow off steam.” Quarantine yourself if you are prone to dump your stuff on others.

• Explore your own ideas. Ask yourself, “How do I meet my needs and resolve the situation?” Be proactive and creative. Solutions abound.

Let us know how we can support your HeartWise skills and attitudes. Coaching may be a solution. A laser session can cut through and remedy one specific situation. If you’re looking to do deeper work with broad impact, perhaps a package of six sessions would be helpful to gain more understanding and confidence in managing strong emotions.

Take good care of yourself!

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Emotions are Challenging—What Do I Do With Them?

What a challenging time we are living through! Whew. Exhale, my friend. Finding stability in turbulence is a masterful stage of adult development. As we gain skills and confidence in times of uncertainty, we can bestow this legacy on our children and grandchildren. Are you committed to building stability under you, even as the waves of change are rising around us?

I am devoted to taking time for simple practices that stabilize my nervous system, clear out old conditioning and rules, and make space to recreate my world anew in each moment. Powerful, right?

Our sense of safety and security is being jeopardized by the novel coronavirus pandemic, and being isolated at home with “new normals” being created daily. If that isn’t enough, now the racial and social justice tensions are exploding. Wow—reminds me of the 1960s, when I was in high school and college. 

A catalytic time we are living through. Let’s wake up and make the most progress for ourselves and for humanity, as we can.

Emotional stress is a real burden to carry. Most people come to counseling or coaching for  guidance with the emotional realm. Old habits are deeply ingrained. Most of us tuck away feelings for later, when we can make sense of them. This is the “later” you have been avoiding.

We need to be conscious of our mindset, heart, and gut to discern what we are feeling.

We all have an often untapped capacity for feeling and understanding emotions. Learning to be aware of, honor, and work with our own emotions is a real stretch sometimes. Add to that our partner’s (and kids’) emotions—that’s a lot of emotional energy bouncing off the walls of our socially distancing uncertainty!!

Throughout my many decades  of coaching, I’ve found a simple recipe for developing more emotional intelligence, which I call HeartWise™.

You may want to print this out and hang it in a spot where you’ll see it often!

Meet Your Emotions

1. Be aware of your body. 

Emotions express themselves in the physical body, so scan your body regularly to get to know yourself in the emotional realm. “Body scanning” simply means bringing your attention to what’s going on in your body. Start by noticing your breathing. As you slow down, you can become aware of any discomfort or compelling/intense energy that you feel. Accept what you notice, not as a problem, but as a gift in self-awareness.

2. Explore and name the feeling. 

Measure the intensity on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is most intense. 

Experience the feeling—let yourself feel it; explore it; interact with what is going on inside; learn to listen to your inner voice, concerns, and knowing.

Ask, “What is this feeling?”

A sample inner dialogue may sound like this: 

“I am feeling disappointed. 
Oh, when did you start feeling it? (listen for an answer) 
Ok, what was happening that brought this feeling to your attention? (answer) 
Oh, ok, I understand. (Repeat back what you heard) 
You were expecting a raise and your boss said the company is stalling because of Covid economy problems. Not only are you disappointed but also kinda scared about money, mad, or deceived... again.”

Have your own conversation with yourself.

3. Ask yourself: What do I need to gain closure to what is being experienced? 

Take action to resolve the issue that is bothering you in ways that build your relationship (with yourself or others). Ask for support if you desire, from your partner or another skilled person.

In our example, the closure may come as expressing your feelings to a trusted companion, friend, or coach, and then resolving to accept and hopefully forgive the situation and commit to being more patient about your raise. Set your intention to advocate for your raise, or be open to accepting some other financial surprise.

4. Learn to clean out your lifelong storehouse of unresolved emotions. 

Trauma or strong experiences make an imprint in us, that can echo throughout our lives. When we take the time to really listen to the younger self and heal the wounds, then we feel freer. We can lay the foundation for a new belief about ourselves and our world. Often, this is best done with the guidance of a counselor, coach, or mentor. Schedule a consultation with Jim or Ruth Sharon to find out how coaching can help with you with this process.

5. Keep your inner world clean, clear, sacred and whole, with daily practices (ask Ruth or Jim Sharon for practices specifically tailored for your situation and needs). After you clear out some of the stored emotions, fill the space with positive thoughts, visions, and hopes. Affirm, “I am safe. I can handle this, with support.” or whatever relaxes you deeply. Thank yourself for taking the time and focus to remove old stuff that is not helpful right now.

We’d appreciate telling us what you discover! Please leave us your comments here or on our Facebook page.

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Living in the COVID-19 Time

Great changes are taking place on the Earth. We are facing a pandemic unlike any other. How are you faring? What are you learning? Paradoxes galore: I am alone and I am connected. I see the horror and devastation and I am encouraged by the kindness, compassion, and generosity all around me. We are being transformed by a force greater than ourselves. I invite us all to take inventory of who we are each being in this pandemic. 

I am feeling stretched to open up to more possibilities than ever before. My life as I knew it before COVID-19 was full of busyness, go-go-go, working long hours to touch as many people as I can and to prepare for transitioning from counseling to a more online coaching and teaching platform. I felt intense and lit up, yet no time for letting down, for resting, for relaxing, for Being and Becoming.

Time schedules were packed. So many projects and people. I felt so overstimulated, that I was wearing thin. My yoga, exercise, healing, and meditation practices were present but not very deep. I was on maintenance with insidiously slow decline on the horizon. 

I got sick. Yes, moderate COVID-19 symptoms took over. I had to get down, rest, use my healing techniques from a very deep place of surrender, and reevaluate my priorities and life purpose.

Now in the midst of this pandemic, I am notching down, slowing down, resting more, having more time for relaxing, and still getting lots done in creative and satisfying ways. Counseling and coaching online has been a dream come true. I love tuning into people and seeing them in their own environments. Coming HOME is a mantra of mine, and now here we all are!

My home office is now all over my house and yard, instead of just in one location in my house. I am planning an Earth Day garden and wanting to get my hands in the dirt! Virtual classes and gatherings, including birthday parties and Passover Seder, are becoming the new norm! I feel much more introspective, introverted, and intent on cleansing and clearing the road dirt from my life. Purifying myself with meditation and healing practices helps me feel more rested and refreshed. My heart’s desire is to keep starting fresh, accepting what is, being more innocent and present in more moments than before, letting loose of control and trusting more.

What is your intention?

My narration at this point in this historic era of The Great Transformation:

Becoming awake and aware: Be-ing is more balanced with productive/efficient Do-ing.

Moving from wrong-right, bad-good, male-female, in-out dualities to something much greater, more inclusive, more tolerant of opposites co-existing. Moving levels like in a video game. 

Upgrading my programming software to include new wisdom, accessible skill, and helpful knowledge. 

We are all contributing to the wisdom pool of humanity dealing with adversity.

Moving from fear-driven survival tactics to more inclusive ones; accepting, giving, and receiving Love.

At this moment I am feeling my heart pounding in excitement—for spring, new beginnings, the beauty of flowers, birds and sunshine on the green grass, trees and flowers erupting into colors that delight my eyes. The sunlight fills me with peace, wellbeing, and safety. I am protected by the warmth and intensity of the sun’s rays. 

And at the same time, I am saddened by a virus that is sweeping through our global lives in ways that threaten, kill, and terrify us.

And at the same time, I am so grateful that we can come HOME to ourselves, slow down, reorder our priorities, and have opportunities to connect more deeply with ourselves (on all levels), our partners, family, friends, and community. All of us are now taking less for granted, being more grateful, and becoming much more humble.

I loved the ‘70s with our spiritual and simple lifestyle. I have been longing for the ‘70s now that Jim and I are in our 70s! The age of Aquarius is here, as prophesied… Wow! What a catalytic time to be alive.

Please share your process of waking up to the power of being true to yourself and embracing more self care and couple care. Comments are welcome here and on our Facebook Soulful Couples Community page.

Let us know how we can support you. We are offering a coaching special during this challenging time (payment plans are negotiable).

Questions? Email us any time at info@soulfulcouples.com.

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Awakening from My Winter Cave

I just noticed Daylight Savings Time on my calendar and my heart jumped in excitement. Yay, Spring is coming! Yes, I have so enjoyed my winter cave time. And I am ready for Spring! How about you?

I have had a breakthrough this winter. Really slowing down, listening to my body, mind and heart, pacing myself, resting as I need to, and taking a retreat to Florida have been some of the ways I have loved my winter repose. What have you done for yourself this winter? 

Many people tell me that the changing light and shortened days set them into a mild depression. This can change our mood and our ways of relating to others.

Then, just as a bear grumbles and seems grouchy when coming out of the winter slumber, so can humans. Feeling critical, judgmental, and cynical may be signs that you need time to yourself. How about having a mini-retreat to reset your nervous system and come into more harmony with yourself? This may be a good transition from winter into spring.

Here are some helpful guidelines for your mini-retreat:

1. Carve out time and space for just you – no phones, devices, people, or to-do lists.

2. Dedicate 10 minutes – three days – whatever works in your schedule and lifestyle.

3. Have a beginning and an ending to your mini-retreat. Get the support of others so you are not distracted. No calls or interruptions.

4. Make the time and space sacred and meaningful. Symbols and supplies like candles, prayer beads, music, art supplies, or a yoga mat can enhance your experience.

5. Set an intention for this time alone. IDEAS: to breathe more deeply, to relax my mind, to rest or move my body, to tune into something greater than myself, to give thanks, to pray for healing, to send love to others, to clear old resentments, to activate more life energy, etc.

6. Use your journal or recording device to track your intention and what comes up for you.

7. Be as kind and accepting of yourself as you can be.

8. Activate your self-care repertoire to attend to your body, mind, heart, and soul.

9. Gather your learnings into a word or phrase to remind yourself during and after your time alone. Breathe in as you say I am... (or the beginning phrase), then exhale as you complete the sentence. For example: I am relaxing. I am grateful. I am loving, I am loved, I am holy, all is well, life is beautiful, all is connected, I am part of the Oneness, etc.

10.  Your ideas?

Jim Sharon and I are here to support you in your well-being. Taking care of your precious self can enhance your life energy and enliven your relationships. Contact us for practical and inspiring coaching!

Share your comments or photos on our Facebook Soulful Couples Community page.

Watch our Events page for upcoming self-care (Doorways to Being) and couple-care (Grand Openings) private retreats, which we design together.

Questions? Email us any time at info@soulfulcouples.com.

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

It's Never Too Late to Have a First Date

Jim and I were dating in college in 1967. I felt like I had met “my guy” and was so delighted. I was anticipating him asking me out for our New Year’s Eve date when he called before we left campus for the winter break. Instead of asking me out, though, he actually broke up with me on the phone, saying something like, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. We are just too different and it wouldn’t work out.”

Shock ! My heart was broken. I couldn’t speak. I mumbled something and hung up.

When I went home for the holiday break, I felt so sad, hurt, and even depressed. What had happened? I walked around in a daze and had trouble relaxing. I spent New Year’s Eve with my girlfriend and her sister, in their living room, watching the New Year’s ball drop.

When I returned to the winter semester, I was still depressed and, big surprise, I got very sick with a high fever. After weeks of being in the infirmary, burning up and being unable to eat, I drifted off to a gray and lonely place. My parents came to college to take me home after weeks of lethargy and a very swollen sore throat. I finally recovered and returned to school for the spring semester. Entering the student center‘s back to school dance, Jim and I saw each other across the crowded room. We cautiously re-connected and then happily dated, getting engaged in 1969 and married in 1970. I guess we are well suited for each other, despite all the differences!

I have recounted the New Year’s Eve story to Jim many times. He's really good at empathizing that that was hard for me. What was different this year is that he kindly asked me, “How can I help you heal from this traumatic situation?” (FYI, “healing” is my focus word for 2020.) We discussed what would mend my broken heart.

Well, I am happy to report that he asked me out for this 2019-2020 New Year’s Eve in a sweet and genuine manner! I was so touched by his generous offer to do anything I wanted. When I told him my heart's desire, he set off to plan and arrange our special First New Year’s Eve — thus we would have a Do Over!

We got dressed up for our date! Enjoying a lovely dinner at the Mercury Cafe, with accompanying jazz music, we felt romantic and sweet — even tender and new. After leisurely dining, we went to the upstairs venue for a live music concert. Jim and I danced the night away. Such energy and joy kept us up till way after midnight! The night was illuminated with the glory of healing.

The next day I awoke in a relaxed and peaceful mood. As I entered my morning meditation, I noticed a subtle, hidden, protective emotional membrane enclosing me. Had it been here all these years because of the hurt Jim’s sudden rejection had caused? As I remembered the evening we had just spent bringing in 2020, the membrane popped! A newfound freedom to love and be loved! 

After 52 years, I am really healing from that trauma. The subtle membrane was unknown to me. Once it popped, I felt an inner expansion and an outward Hurray!

I am so happy we went through this process. I learned so much.

What is lurking in your subconscious that can be healed now and free you to love and be loved?

One client told me her episode from the past, and we applied various healing techniques to interrupt the pattern and open the way for her current true self to emerge.

It’s never too late to be happy! Shifting old patterns to new awareness can be so empowering. Freeing up more energy for life keeps us young and vibrant!

Let me know how I can support you. Set up your free consultation at www.soulfulcouples.com.

Always,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Back to the '70s, Forward to My 70s

Nostalgia for the good ol’ days has been on my heart lately. In 1973, Jim and I moved to Greeley, Colorado for his doctorate program in psychology. At first I had a difficult adjustment, falling into a deep depression. After a while, I began opening and healing through the help of loving therapies, conscious circles of leaders and learners, evolving friends, spiritual awakenings, as well as meaningful work as a school counselor, college teacher, counselor and workshop leader.

Life-changing experiences (then and now) allowed me to fulfill my potentials, find my new cutting edges, and share my life with my dear husband, our delightful first born child, Alaina, and such close friends. Undoing old patterns and creating new ways of Being was painful and essential. I am so grateful for learning skills and attitudes to guide me in my unfolding. Releasing conditioning and attuning my body-mind and spirit continues to this day, thankfully.

In the 1970s, I first learned to meditate, practice yoga and Sufism in many forms, dance, eat light organic vegetarian foods, collaborate with others in directing a holistic wellness center, and be in circles with dear friends, colleagues, students, and mentors. Life was so rich!

Now I am in my 70s, and I yearn for the simplicity, circles, and spaciousness. Indeed, I am slowing down and gaining more and more perspective. We are taking on assistants and associates to share our Energy for Life and Soulful Couples work. I am choosing to take really good care of myself now to hopefully delay, or even reverse, the aging process. I love to stretch, practice yoga and Sufism, walk, be in nature, sing, dance, pray, and heal. I have circles of people to share spiritual practice and conscious conversation. Yes, I am blessed. I am setting up more circles and having other facilitators join me as well. (Check out our Events on www.soulfulcouples.com!)

The struggles are lighter, more manageable, and easier to resolve. Being an elder suits me, and freaks me out! What’s your experience of aging and yearning?

Maybe you would like to join me in this practice:

To bring more mindfulness, I arrange my environment to be beautiful and sacred. Now as I look around each corner of my home, I notice an altar of some sort. Each altar tells a story. I dedicate my home and my life to the beneficent One. I listen to my highest calling and devote myself to following my life purpose, with my dear partner Jim Sharon, and with our three adult children, their partners, and their children. Remembering our connection to the One/Universe/ God/Love is the key! 

What is your name for that which is greater than you in all directions?

MEDITATION Practice

Try this with me: Breathe in life energy for a count of 5, hold your breath for 5, breathe out for 5, your worry, fear, scarcity, and the myth of “not enough.” Do this for 5 repetitions, 5 times throughout the day, for a month. What do you notice?

I invite you to make a little corner of your room a sacred space. Beautify your space by putting lovely items on it. Keep it clean and clear. Use this sanctified table, dresser top or TV tray as a reminder of your connection with the One today.

Let me know how I can support you. I love enriching inner peace through conscious conversation and calming meditation. I have prepared a “Meditation Primer” that I am happy to email you. Just send me a quick email at ruth@soulfulcouples.com.

Thanks and blessings,

Ruth Sharon

Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

We Just Had a Terrible Fight, Now What?

We just had a terrible fight. I feel so awful. I can’t believe what s/he said to me. I am shocked at how I behaved. I am upset, confused, in a swirl of chaotic emotions; my head is screaming at me, my guts are in a knot. I can’t breathe. What do I do now??

Fighting can trigger off a cascade of reactions. Have you heard of the “Amygdala Hijack”? This is when the Amygdala part of the primitive brain signals danger and sets off the Fight-Flight-Freeze-Faint survival reaction. So yelling, angry words, and throwing stuff reflect the Fight reaction, while shutting down, going away, or not being able to speak coherently is the Flight or Freeze or Faint instinct. We can get hijacked when our protective buttons are triggered.

This is dangerous for our love relationship (or any relationship). What do we do when we get so lost in emotional reactions? How do we find our way back to sanity when we are angry, derailed, lost, confused, ashamed, and anxious?

“Clean up on Aisle 5” is what Jim and I say.

Here are some tips to reset after fighting:

1. Take time away for each other. Be sure to tell the other person you need a cooling off period to reset and will reconnect in a while.

2. Be aware of what set you off. What is that hot button all about? Usually it is a tender wound from the past that has nothing to do with your partner. They just brushed up against it and you went ballistic.

3. Ask yourself: what am I feeling? Go through the many layers like an archaeologist to get to the root if you can. Ask a coach or counselor for guidance.

4. Sort out the situation so you can think clearly: When did I get set off? Was it words, tone, gestures that triggered me? Notice how I reacted with my thoughts, words, actions, reactions. Make a chart if that is helpful:

5. Once you feel clearer, ask yourself what you need in order to heal this hot button, and repair the damage to the relationship. Clean up your side of the situation by practicing what you want to say to your partner. Be sure to use “I statements” like I feel… I want… I need… I hope… I am sorry.

6. After you have practiced on paper or in your head/heart/gut or with a friend/coach/counselor,  ask your partner to get together to clean up the mess.

7.  Arrange a time to talk when you are both calm, focused and clear. Hold strong to what you want from the restorative conversation. Stay on track with a few repetitive sentences to guide you. For example, “I am really sorry I reacted so meanly. I want to clear this up so we can get back on track with each other.”

8. Once you have settled down and are able to talk, set up agreements to help prevent this from happening in the future. Learn from your fighting patterns so you can transform from “Power Over each other” to “Power With each other.”

Example of Agreements:

• Take a time out if you are getting escalated beyond rational thought.

• Set up fair formats, like one person talks at a time, be respectful, no name calling, no dumping past arsenal on the other person, stay in the present moment, don’t bring in others to take sides, etc. 

• Handle one conflict or disagreement at a time until there is a solution.

• Do it in ways that build trust, respect, and closeness.

• Go for completion, satisfaction and, healing.

Hope this is helpful. Let me know what happens!

Set up a call or meeting with me or Jim to discuss how to manage arguments in more constructive ways. Find us on Facebook. Read more about healthy communication in our book ”Secrets of a Soulful Marriage,” available on our website www.soulfulcouples.com and Amazon.

Your Relationship Coach,
Ruth Sharon
Coach for Soulful Couples
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

P.S. Have you experienced coaching with us, read one of our books, or attended a workshop we facilitated? We’d love to hear your feedback on our Yelp! page.

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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

What's Next?

As July 4 comes upon us once again, I ask myself these questions: 

What are my freedoms?

Oh, so many. What a glorious life! I reflect with my dear precious husband, each of my dear children, their spouses, and my three awesome grandkids. I connect with some friends, and of course, with my clients and social network. My spiritual life and my work are in a dance, shifting focus from one to another, until hopefully, they merge and become one in the same.

Visiting South Carolina recently, we toured a plantation and learned about the Gullah African culture and slavery. Being Jewish, I continually recount being slaves in Egypt.

Remembering my freedom is a gift I give myself often.

This is my time to pause, breathe, give thanks, enliven my grateful heart even more, settle my belly and allow the calm feeling to saturate my being. Ahh, this feels so good. And yet…

Another question that arises…

What is still bogging me down?

I have been doing a major life review after my 71 birthday this spring. What is light, what is calling to me and what is mine on my path to fulfillment, and what is weighing me down? I am preparing to let go of lots of what is over for me. Dear friends just moved into a new home together. Watching them rearrange their lives with each other and in a new space triggered my fear of moving out of our precious home of 34 years (and the possibility of having a new partner if Jim precedes me in death). Lots of emotions are surfacing. I am dedicating attention and time this week/weekend to clear away the old, and make room for the new. I love that I have so many tools to clear out what is no longer important or needed! Cleaning “house” inside and outside are ways to move the energy!

A whole series of questions comes in on the heels of the first two:

• How can I free myself even more?

• What is left to heal?

• What relationships need my attention?

• Who shall I pray for?

• Who wants to play with me?

• Who is in my community?

• Am I fulfilling my purpose?

• Am I living a balanced life?

• What brings about healthy vitality and wellbeing?

Asking questions and opening the space to discover what is happening within me and in my world is so freeing! I trust this process and value time alone.

The most burning question in my gut is, “What’s next?”

What questions burn in you?

Let’s talk!

Set up a time to connect soon.

Toward the One, 
Ruth Sharon
Coach for Soulful Couples
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

P.S. Have you experienced coaching with us, read one of our books, or attended a workshop we facilitated? We’d love to hear your feedback on our Yelp! page.

---

Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.