emotions

Basic Emotions in Relationships: Be HeartWise

As a relationship coach, I often see couples who are learning to process the emotions that arise in day to day life. The good news is, with practice, we can develop understanding and skills to be HeartWise.

Think of a crayon box or paint palette with the primary colors, along with the rainbow of hues created by combining various colors. Emotions are much like that. Each main, primary feeling can have many variations and combinations, which can make decoding quite challenging. Start with the Primary Feelings to gain access to your secret inner world.

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Primary Feelings are observable through our body language, tension and health patterns, words, tone, and behaviors. Did you know you have a storehouse of old feelings and unresolved situations? All your history is stored in your body and brain. So when something similar happens, your old feelings are usually triggered. 

Getting to know yourself and your partner in the emotional realm helps you feel so connected, close, and motivated to build trust and safety. Listen to the feeling tone of yourself and your partner. Pay attention to the breathing, posture, tone, and words. Practice accessing your inner wisdom and sensing system so you can detect your and your partner’s feelings.

Primary colors of feelings can be measured on a 1 to 10 scale (10 being filled with that emotion). Let’s learn about MAD, SAD, SCARED, and GLAD.

MAD is the most obvious and most threatening of all the feelings, because it can be loud, scary, out of control, like a fire. You know that you can use fire to simmer food, warm your family on a cold day, or burn down the house... or the entire village. Anger can also be helpful, because it shows you what is bothering you. You can make efforts to correct the problem or injustice when you harness the fire of anger and use it for positive change and effective communication.

A little MAD (1-3) may pop up when you are annoyed, frustrated, dismissed. You may have more MAD (4-7) when you have a repeated situation that is unresolved and keeps appearing. You may get aggravated by others’ poor behavior, by injustices, etc. When you can’t take it anymore and you are at maximum saturation of MAD, you explode or implode (8-10). This can relieve you temporarily (until you load up again and blow). The problem is, you may have left a trail of messes behind you to clean up or put in the pile of other unresolved old or current stuff. MAD can be cumulative and observed as annoyance, irritation, sharp comments, physical energy that can help or harm, resentment, resignation, and depression.

SAD is a watery emotion, as you notice in tears and feeling “welled up” (a lump in your throat or fullness in your heart like the dam may burst). It can be heavy, as in feeling weighed down. SAD shows you what is missing, what hurts, what needs aren’t getting met, as well as grieving a real or perceived loss. You can feel sad about specific events or very general sweeps of your life. When you have an ideal of what you want and you see what is actually happening, your sadness may be triggered. The gap between ideal and real can be heartbreaking. Many of you have experienced difficult or traumatic situations and have much deep sadness stored in your nervous system. Give expression to what is going on. Speak, write, draw, dance, walk, sing, or pray so the energy of sadness can be healed and transformed into healing compassion for others.

FEAR is a shaky feeling, where you feel insecure, scared, worried, anxious, and young. Your gut may be tight, your jaw clenched or your brow furrowed. The fear may be hidden deep inside or can be experienced as unshakeable worry, guilt, or shame. Air may be associated with fear—lots of random and racing thoughts, piling on of demands, confusing and chaotic energy, and fixated stuck patterns. Panic attacks, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors can be so debilitating. 

Fear also shows you your cutting edge. When you take on something new (in your relationship, work, life circumstances), resistance often will show up. What obstacles are in your way of manifesting what you want? Engage with your fear to find out what is going on. Be curious. Ask open ended questions of yourself and your partner. 

Be the CUP to support yourself or partner. When you are scared, give extra compassion and comfort. Create as much safety as you can so your nervous system can calm down. Stress reactions of Fight-Flight-Freeze-Faint can block you from thinking clearly and planning for what is calling you to take action. Fear and excitement are related, so try to harvest the titillation of something new happening to spur you into expressing your fears, building safety under you, then taking action with support. Use your SWORD to cut through stuckness and activate motivation to walk the path toward your desired goals. Cup and sword together brings power, kindness, and clarity.

GLAD is the feeling of relief, release, resolve.You may experience childlike delight, freedom, celebration, gratitude, or accomplishment. Going on vacation, getting a raise, starting a new business, buying a new home, having a baby, having a party, giving or receiving a gift, making love, enjoying a delicious meal, having a touching moment with someone dear or a stranger can all evoke the feeling of happiness and joy. Sense your peace and calm, and begin thinking of this state as a Homebase that you can keep returning to.

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Talk with yourself and your partner to be aware. You can practice this exercise when you’re feeling calm so it will be easier to remember when you’re feeling strong emotions:

  • What am I feeling right now?

  • How much, on a scale of 1 to 10?

  • Where do the feelings reside in my body? Breathe to give the feelings space to move and dissipate.

  • When I am at low (1-3) numbers, I can… breathe, wash my face, eat something, take a break, etc.

  • When I am in the midrange (4-6), I need to stop and gather my energy to calm down and act in a HeartWise manner.  I can get something done, exercise, eat/hydrate, rest.

  • When I am reaching maximum saturation of feeling, I may have to discharge with big muscle activity and time alone to “blow off steam.” Quarantine yourself if you are prone to dump your stuff on others.

  • Explore your own ideas. Ask yourself, “How do I meet my needs and resolve the situation?” Be proactive and creative. Solutions abound.

Let us know how we can support your HeartWise skills and attitudes. Coaching may be a solution. A laser session can cut through and remedy one specific situation. If you’re looking to do deeper work with broad impact, perhaps a package of six sessions would be helpful to gain more understanding and confidence in managing strong emotions.

Take good care of yourself!

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com


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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Emotions are Challenging—What Do I Do With Them?

What a challenging time we are living through! Whew. Exhale, my friend. Finding stability in turbulence is a masterful stage of adult development. As we gain skills and confidence in times of uncertainty, we can bestow this legacy on our children and grandchildren. Are you committed to building stability under you, even as the waves of change are rising around us?

I am devoted to taking time for simple practices that stabilize my nervous system, clear out old conditioning and rules, and make space to recreate my world anew in each moment. Powerful, right?

Our sense of safety and security is being jeopardized by the novel coronavirus pandemic, and being isolated at home with “new normals” being created daily. If that isn’t enough, now the racial and social justice tensions are exploding. Wow—reminds me of the 1960s, when I was in high school and college. 

A catalytic time we are living through. Let’s wake up and make the most progress for ourselves and for humanity, as we can.

Emotional stress is a real burden to carry. Most people come to counseling or coaching for  guidance with the emotional realm. Old habits are deeply ingrained. Most of us tuck away feelings for later, when we can make sense of them. This is the “later” you have been avoiding.

We need to be conscious of our mindset, heart, and gut to discern what we are feeling.

We all have an often untapped capacity for feeling and understanding emotions. Learning to be aware of, honor, and work with our own emotions is a real stretch sometimes. Add to that our partner’s (and kids’) emotions—that’s a lot of emotional energy bouncing off the walls of our socially distancing uncertainty!!

Throughout my many decades  of coaching, I’ve found a simple recipe for developing more emotional intelligence, which I call HeartWise™.

You may want to print this out and hang it in a spot where you’ll see it often!

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Meet Your Emotions

1. Be aware of your body

Emotions express themselves in the physical body, so scan your body regularly to get to know yourself in the emotional realm. “Body scanning” simply means bringing your attention to what’s going on in your body. Start by noticing your breathing. As you slow down, you can become aware of any discomfort or compelling/intense energy that you feel. Accept what you notice, not as a problem, but as a gift in self-awareness.

2. Explore and name the feeling. 

Measure the intensity on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is most intense. 

Experience the feeling—let yourself feel it; explore it; interact with what is going on inside; learn to listen to your inner voice, concerns, and knowing.

Ask, “What is this feeling?”

A sample inner dialogue may sound like this: 

“I am feeling disappointed. 
Oh, when did you start feeling it? (listen for an answer) 
Ok, what was happening that brought this feeling to your attention? (answer) 
Oh, ok, I understand. (Repeat back what you heard) 
You were expecting a raise and your boss said the company is stalling because of Covid economy problems. Not only are you disappointed but also kinda scared about money, mad, or deceived... again.”

Have your own conversation with yourself.

3. Ask yourself: What do I need to gain closure to what is being experienced? 

Take action to resolve the issue that is bothering you in ways that build your relationship (with yourself or others). Ask for support if you desire, from your partner or another skilled person.

In our example, the closure may come as expressing your feelings to a trusted companion, friend, or coach, and then resolving to accept and hopefully forgive the situation and commit to being more patient about your raise. Set your intention to advocate for your raise, or be open to accepting some other financial surprise.

4. Learn to clean out your lifelong storehouse of unresolved emotions. 

Trauma or strong experiences make an imprint in us, that can echo throughout our lives. When we take the time to really listen to the younger self and heal the wounds, then we feel freer. We can lay the foundation for a new belief about ourselves and our world. Often, this is best done with the guidance of a counselor, coach, or mentor. Schedule a consultation with Jim or Ruth Sharon to find out how coaching can help with you with this process.

5. Keep your inner world clean, clear, sacred and whole, with daily practices (ask Ruth or Jim Sharon for practices specifically tailored for your situation and needs). After you clear out some of the stored emotions, fill the space with positive thoughts, visions, and hopes. Affirm, “I am safe. I can handle this, with support.” or whatever relaxes you deeply. Thank yourself for taking the time and focus to remove old stuff that is not helpful right now.

We’d appreciate telling us what you discover! Please leave us your comments here or on our Facebook page.

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com


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Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.