Presence with Your Partner

Having recently presented a program on Cultivating Mindfulness to the Colorado Chapter of the International Coach Federation, and wanting to elevate my own mindfulness, I decided to address here the topic of relationship presence. I have observed that my ability to remain present varies from fairly weak to very strong, depending on many circumstances. I'm typically most attentive when working with clients. Lately, though, my wife Ruth has been requesting greater attunement from me when she is speaking about herself.

Paradoxically, presence can be the easiest act, yet sometimes one of the most difficult of behaviors. On the one hand, we're always aware of something. However, staying engaged or keeping attention riveted often presents a considerable challenge.

Sustaining at least a moderate level of presence is foundational, or a prerequisite for connection; it's a basic gateway to intimacy. Remaining attuned to your partner's conversation, needs, feelings, or desires essentially can be facilitated in two ways:

1. Staying in contact with yourself, i.e. your thoughts, body and emotions, and
2. Regularly observing when your attention strays and returning it to your mate.

Some simple (at least in form), yet effective tools or practices for enhancing presence are:

• Developing and reaffirming a clear intention to be mindful
• Attending to and deepening your breath
• Studying the details, even the minutiae, of your immediate environment
• Playing the card game "Concentration," during which you memorize the locations of turned-over cards
• Scanning your body for areas of tension, relaxation, energy, and various sensations
• Similarly, witnessing the speed, nature, and quality of your thoughts
• Meditating on your breath and/or on a mantra or theme
• Deepening your listening in conversations, and, at times, reflecting in your own words or clarifying what you perceive your partner to be saying
• Refraining from interrupting your partner or prematurely turning your mate's speaking back onto yourself
• Expressing genuine interest in or curiosity about your partner via open questions--also known as appreciative inquiry
• Approaching your mate with a beginner's mind--an innocence and desire to experience your partner in new or fresh ways

Regularly engaging in even a few of these practices will definitely benefit you in every facet of your life, in addition to nurturing your love relationship. I'd welcome hearing about your breakthrough or aha experiences.

Toward the kaleidoscopic majesty of presence,

Your Relationship Coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us
 

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have two young granddaughters.

Honoring Boundaries

Coming back from a wonderful family vacation with my husband Jim, our children, and our grandkids, I am keenly aware of the need for honoring boundaries. Interacting with respect and mindfulness is a gift to all. Sometimes I stepped over the line, sometimes I consciously restrained myself, and mostly I simply relaxed and enjoyed myself.

I know we each live in our own personal bubble. Learning to refine my own integrity means I honor my pace, rhythm, needs, cycles, moods, and commitments. My bubble may contract when I am stressed, tired, or wanting to be alone, and it can expand when I want to include others, take in a larger perspective, learn something new, or connect spiritually. I am committed to attuning to honoring my own boundaries and being mindful of my partner's and others' personal space. Of course, this takes practice.

In our book Secrets of a Soulful Marriage on page 64, we discuss a variety of ways to make sure we are honoring other people's boundaries, such as ...

• giving privacy in the bathroom
• knocking on a closed door before entering
• avoiding yelling from room to room or intruding in conversations
• refraining from opening mail (including email or texts) not addressed to you
• standing a certain distance apart when conversing
• not touching erogenous zones without permission
• giving your mate space when she requests quiet personal time

I would now add:

• saying no without feeling guilty; allowing the other to say no without guilt or burden
• saying yes with enthusiasm and truth-telling
• obeying the STOP sign my partner or another person puts up when he or she doesn't want to discuss something
• asking kindly and respectfully, without judgment, how I can support the other, without diminishing his power or self-esteem
• moving consciously between uniting and being separate in a graceful and evolving dance
• your ideas?

What is true for you regarding your own boundaries and the ways you seek to honor your partner's boundaries, or those of others in your life?

How can you become more mindful of your own personal bubble? Practicing meditation and taking quiet time can enhance the clarity, beauty, and authenticity of your personal bubble; then you can be more available to share genuinely with your partner.

Sometimes an outside perspective can be helpful when we're learning how to be more mindful and conscious about our interactions. Working with a coach is a wonderful way for you and your beloved to explore what makes you feel safe and cared for (and what might make you feel a little crowded), so that you can create a life that allows you both to thrive. Let us know how we can support you in enhancing your personal bubble and honoring the boundaries of the other.

Be well.

Ruth Sharon, M.S.
Coach for Soulful Couples
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband of 47 years co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

The Art of Receiving

An old adage or moral code says, “It’s better (or more blessed) to give than to receive.” Clearly, giving from the heart without strings attached--an expectation of reciprocity--is a virtue. However, without somebody who is receptive, the giver is deprived of the joy of giving.

Many, if not most of us, have been taught that the desire to receive or get can be regarded as selfish, self-centered, or even characteristic of narcissism.

If you’re capable of giving freely and graciously, why not balance that at least somewhat by willingly, happily receiving?! Actually, doing so requires a solid measure of self-esteem--a gut sense that you deserve niceties.

Here’s a quick, simple assessment of your willingness to receive from your partner in different ways. For each item, rate yourself on a scale from 1 to 5, in which “5” indicates definite ease in receiving and “1” represents strong resistance to or considerable difficulty accepting that type of giving.

• Acts of service

• Compliments and affirmations

• Emotional support, e.g. deep listening and empathy

• Quality touch and sensual pleasure, including massage

• Sexual pleasure

• Material gifts

I’d suggest practicing breathing in to receive, then exhaling to let the gift saturate your body. 

Try this: graciously acknowledge your mate’s efforts to please or delight you in those areas in which you scored a 3 or lower. Ask for the support you need to balance giving and receiving so you can live more harmoniously.

Add up your scores. If your total is less than 20, especially if it's 15 or less, I’d recommend seeking counseling or coaching to enhance your sense of worth and your ability to receive from your beloved and from others.

May you be blessed for offering your beloved the gift of joyful receiving!

Your Relationship Coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us
 

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have two young granddaughters.

Love is a Healthy Habit

Love is good for your health! A primary innate impulse within the human being is the desire to love and be loved. Healthy relationships are easier said than done, as we know! We long for love and yet we protect ourselves from love--from the pain that may come with letting go, grief, rejection, disappointment, misunderstandings, infidelity and mistrust. The stress of breakups or staying in resentment-filled  relationships can actually be harmful to your health. For those brave and persistent souls who are willing and able to truly build a vibrant relationship, love proves to be a healthy habit.

I found an illuminating article on www.webmd.com that quotes Harry Reid, Ph.D., co-editor of the Encyclopedia of Human Relationships, who says the key is to feel connected to other people, feel respected and valued by other people, and feel a sense of belonging. He found that close relationships of all types (parent, friend, partner, lover) bring a sense of calm and stability, which  promotes health benefits, such as fewer doctor visits; fewer colds and viruses; less depression and substance abuse; less anxiety; lower blood pressure; better stress management; faster healing; longer life and more joy!

How can you create and sustain loving, trusting, enduring, sacred relationship with your sweetheart? Here are a few keys:

1. Nurture your relationship by taking time to be together in focused and affirming ways, even for just a few moments at a time. Eye contact, hugs, touch, and kind gestures go a long way to connect one heart to another.
2. Build and strengthen a foundation of trust by being honest, emotionally vulnerable and open, doing what you say you will do and being of service to each other.
3. Handle tender, difficult topics and conflicts one at a time in concentrated ways that bring satisfaction and closure.
4. Treat each other specially by saying appreciative and affectionate words, going on dates, planning surprises, having adventures and fun together and making love in precious and passionate ways.
5. Celebrate each other's successes and support each other in difficult times.

FYI--"love chemicals" are released in varying stages of love, according to Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey.

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. Testosterone is not confined only to men; it has also been shown to play a major role in the sex drive of women. These hormones, as Helen Fisher says, "get you out looking for anything".

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love, they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover.

In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called "monoamines" play an important role:

• Dopamine - Also activated by cocaine and nicotine.
• Norepinephrine - Otherwise known as adrenalin, starts us sweating and gets the heart racing.
• Serotonin - One of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane.

Stage 3: Attachment

This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. People couldn't possibly stay in the attraction stage forever, otherwise they'd never get any work done!

Attachment is a longer lasting commitment and is the bond that keeps couples together when they go on to have children. Important in this stage are two hormones released by the nervous system, which are thought to play a role in social attachments:

• Oxytocin - This is released by the hypothalamus gland during childbirth and also helps the breast express milk. It helps cement the strong bond between mother and child. It is also released by both sexes during orgasm, and it is thought that it promotes bonding when adults are intimate. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes.
• Vasopressin - Another important chemical in the long-term commitment stage. It is an important controller of the kidneys, and its role in long-term relationships was discovered when scientists looked at the prairie vole.

What have you noticed about love and your health? Leave your comments here or on our Facebook page.

Your relationship coach,

Ruth Sharon, Relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT).

Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband of 47 years co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Ruth and Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
ruth@energyforlife.us
www.soulfulcouples.com